AND NOW, THE LONG-AWAITED CONCLUSION OF AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SATAN!
To reference the first part of this interview, simply click this link: http://churchofscribe.blogspot.com/2006/03/exclusive-interview-with-satan-part.html
For the rest:
As you might recall, Satan has just informed me that the “War in Heaven” was a public relations ploy by the publishing house that re-wrote the Bible to make it more marketable. He further insisted that he (Satan) had been given Heaven so that God could pursue His dream of world-developing without the headache of realm management. Apparently, God found the field to competitive and came back to reclaim His home.
During this rather bizarre portion of the interview, Satan did try to tempt thy Minister with his wicked lustful advances. For some reason, I did turn him away.
Part II follows:
SCRIBE- ARE YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECTING ME TO BELIEVE THAT GOD EXPELLED YOU FROM HEAVEN BECAUSE YOU HAD BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS???
SATAN: I DON’T GIVE A FLACCID FUCK WHAT YOU BELIEVE, ESSE. THE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.
SCRIBE- WHAT “FACTS?” THIS IS ALL BASED ON YOUR WORD.
SATAN- OK…WELL, WHATEVER.
SCRIBE: NO, NOT “WHATEVER.” YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND.
SATAN- OH, YEAH? YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR MIND BLOWN?
SCRIBE- I DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU…
SATAN- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. YOU THINK WE DON’T HAVE A FILE ON YOU IN HELL? KINKY SON OF A BITCH.
SCRIBE- WHAT ARE YOU…
SATAN- WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I MORPHED INTO A YOUNG BARBARA EDEN AND STARTED BLOWING MORE THAN YOUR MIND?
SCRIBE- WELL, THAT WOULD BE PRETTY…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
SATAN- HOW DO I LOOK, MASTERRRRR?
SCRIBE- YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HER!
SATAN- WITH ALL THE NECESSARY PARTS.
SCRIBE- REALLY?
SATAN- AND THEN SOME.
SCRIBE- I DON’T WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR KNEES NOW.
SATAN- WHY? DON’T YOU LIKE THIS POSE?
SCRIBE- NO! I MEAN, YES! I MEAN…STOP IT!
SATAN- OH, C’MON, BIG GUY. I’LL EVEN HAVE ONE OF MY DEMONS MORPH INTO A YOUNG DAWN WELLS. IT’LL BE A SIXTIES SIT-COM SEX-A-RAMA!!!
SCRIBE- N-NO. NOT INTERESTED.
SATAN- NO? THEN WHY ARE YOU DROOLING?
SCRIBE- WHAT!!!??? THAT’S NOT DROOL! I HAVE A SINUS CONDITION THAT CAUSES DRAINAGE!
SATAN- FROM THE CORNER OF YOUR MOUTH?
SCRIBE- IT’S RARE!
SATAN- (Getting back in his seat) YOUR LOSS, HOMES. GUESS I’LL JUST MORPH BACK INTO MY PREVIOUS FORM AND…
SCRIBE- NO! UH…I MEAN, Y’KNOW…DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. JUST RELAX…YEAH, LIKE THAT. CROSS THOSE LEGS. UH-HUH.
SATAN- AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE INTERVIEWING ME?
SCRIBE- HMMM? OH, YEAH! THE WAR IN HEAVEN THING.
SATAN- (Rolls his/her eyes) FINE.
SCRIBE- YOU CELESTIAL TYPES ARE SO SENSTIVE.
SATAN- IMAGINE THAT- WE HATE JUSTIFYING OURSELVES TO HAIRLESS PRIMATES.
SCRIBE- YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU TOOK THE FORM OF A CHILDHOOD FANTASY RIGHT NOW!
SATAN- NO, I THINK YOU’RE THE LUCKY ONE, YOU BIG STRAPPING MANUFACTURER OF MAN-GOO.
SCRICE- WHAT ARE YOU, BI-SEXUAL?
SATAN- YEP. IT’S IT’S AVAILABLE, I’LL BUY SEX!
SCRIBE- HE’S HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS. TIP YOUR WAITSTAFF.
SATAN- YOU I LIKE. DON’T ASK ME WHY. YOU AIN’T NO L RON HUBBARD, BUT SHIT VATO, YOU’RE A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE.
SCRIBE- THANK YOU FOR THAT…MULTI-ETHNIC COMPLIMENT. GETTING BACK TO THE WAR IN HEAVEN THING…
SATAN- IT WAS MORE LIKE A BIDDING WAR. GOD WAS ATTEMPTING A HOSTILE TAKEOVER!
SCRIBE- OF HIS OWN REALM???
SATAN- WASN’T HIS ANYMORE, SWEET-MEAT. I STILL HAVE THE PAPERWORK TO PROVE IT.
SCRIBE- DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?
SATAN- HMM?
SCRIBE- DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?
SATAN- HAVE WHAT?
SCRIBE- THE PAPERWORK.
SATAN- WHAT THE HOME ARE YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT, BRO?
SCRIBE- YOU…YOU JUST MENTIONED THE HEAVENLY TRANSFER PAPERWORK THAT SUPPOSEDLY PROVES YOU ONCE OWNED HAVEN.
SATAN- NO, I DIDN’T.
SCRIBE- YES, YOU DID!
SATAN- NUH-UH
SCRIBE- BUT YOU JUST SAID…
SATAN: YOU SEEM TENSE.
SCRIBE- I AM!
SATAN: HOW ‘BOUT A SACK RUB? WOULD THAT HELP?
SCRIBE- WELL, THAT WOULD BE…STOP THAT, GODAMMIT!!!
SATAN- OOO! BLASPHEMY GIVES ME A STIFFY. OH, WAIT, I DON’T HAVE A PENIS RIGHT NOW. WELL, SOMETHIN’S GOIN’ ON DOWN THERE.
SCRIBE- THIS IS POINTLESS. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
SATAN- HOLD ON THERE, WALTER CRONKITE. TAKE A SEAT. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
SCRIBE- I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.
SATAN- FINE, MAYBE YOUR BUDDY K WOULD LIKE THE EXCLUSIVE.
SCRIBE- SHE CAN HAVE IT!
SATAN- COOL. WHATEVER. I THINK I’LL APPEAR TO HER AS RICKY MARTIN IN A DREAM AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER AURA.
SCRIBE- YOU WOULDN’T!
SATAN- TRY ME, HOMEY.
SCRIBE- THAT IS SO FUCKING EVIL!
SATAN- FLATTERER.
SCRIBE- ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.
SATAN- BITCHIN’! WHERE WAS I?
SCRIBE- THE WAR IN…
SATAN- SHIT! RIGHT! WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF YOU FOUND OUT GOD WAS A UNION BUSTER?
SCRIBE- HE BROKE UP A UNION???
SATAN- YEP. ANGELIC TRADEWORKERS LOCAL 419. SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT FREE WILL HORSESHIT, EH?
SCRIBE- WOW.
SATAN- SO THE UNION COMES TO ME AND THEY’RE ALL, “GOD’S TRYIN’ TO SHUT US DOWN,” AND I GO, “HE CAN’T DO THAT” AND THEY’RE LIKE, DUH! HE CAN DO ANYTHING!”
SCRIBE- LEMME GUESS: THE UNION STOOD BEHIND YOU.
SATAN- AND THE “BATTLE” BEGAN.
SCRIBE- LOT OF DEATH?
SATAN- ONLY DURING THE PROTEST MARCHES (WE INVENTED THOSE). WE TOOK OUR GRIEVANCE TO COURT.
SCRIBE- YOU SUED GOD???
SATAN- FUCKIN’-A!
SCRIBE- THAT’S AMAZING!
SATAN- THE AMAZING PART WAS THAT WE LOST. GOD BRIBED THE JUDGE WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE EVERLASTING. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU COMPETE WITH THAT?
SCRIBE- OH, COME ON!
SATAN- IT’S TRUE, LEIBCHEN. NEXT THING I KNEW, ME AND A THIRD OF THE ANGELS IN HEAVEN WERE SLAPPED WITH AN ETERNAL RESTRAINING ORDER.
SCRIBE- IS THAT HOW YOU WOUND UP IN HELL?
SATAN- YEAH. PART OF THE RULING STATED THAT HIS BIGNESS HADDA CREATE A NEW REALM FOR US. ‘COURSE, IT DIND’T SPECIFY WHAT KIND. BASTARD CREATED THE MOST INHOSPITABLE REALM OF ALL TIME! NATURALLY WE HAD TO “EVOLVE” TO HANDLE IT.
SCRIBE- DAMN, IF TRUE, THAT REALLY SUCKS.
SATAN- YEAH…KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS? YER OL BUDDY SATAN.
SCRIBE- OK, I GOTTA GO.
SATAN- WAIT, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY SERPENT TONGUE TRICK YET.
SCRIBE- MAYBE NEXT TIME.
SATAN- I’LL KEEP IT LUBED FOR YA.
SCRIBE- ONE LAST QUESTION?
SATAN- SHOOT, SUGAR BUNS.
SCRIBE- DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ROCK ‘N ROLL?
SATAN- NAH, BUT I DID CREATE THE LATIN POP EXPLOSION.
Deep down, didn’t all of us already know that?
For the rest:
As you might recall, Satan has just informed me that the “War in Heaven” was a public relations ploy by the publishing house that re-wrote the Bible to make it more marketable. He further insisted that he (Satan) had been given Heaven so that God could pursue His dream of world-developing without the headache of realm management. Apparently, God found the field to competitive and came back to reclaim His home.
During this rather bizarre portion of the interview, Satan did try to tempt thy Minister with his wicked lustful advances. For some reason, I did turn him away.
Part II follows:
SCRIBE- ARE YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECTING ME TO BELIEVE THAT GOD EXPELLED YOU FROM HEAVEN BECAUSE YOU HAD BETTER TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS???
SATAN: I DON’T GIVE A FLACCID FUCK WHAT YOU BELIEVE, ESSE. THE FACTS SPEAK FOR THEMSELVES.
SCRIBE- WHAT “FACTS?” THIS IS ALL BASED ON YOUR WORD.
SATAN- OK…WELL, WHATEVER.
SCRIBE: NO, NOT “WHATEVER.” YOU JUST BLEW MY MIND.
SATAN- OH, YEAH? YOU LIKE HAVING YOUR MIND BLOWN?
SCRIBE- I DON’T QUITE UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU…
SATAN- YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU LIKE. YOU THINK WE DON’T HAVE A FILE ON YOU IN HELL? KINKY SON OF A BITCH.
SCRIBE- WHAT ARE YOU…
SATAN- WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF I MORPHED INTO A YOUNG BARBARA EDEN AND STARTED BLOWING MORE THAN YOUR MIND?
SCRIBE- WELL, THAT WOULD BE PRETTY…WAIT A MINUTE!!!
SATAN- HOW DO I LOOK, MASTERRRRR?
SCRIBE- YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HER!
SATAN- WITH ALL THE NECESSARY PARTS.
SCRIBE- REALLY?
SATAN- AND THEN SOME.
SCRIBE- I DON’T WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. YOU CAN GET OFF YOUR KNEES NOW.
SATAN- WHY? DON’T YOU LIKE THIS POSE?
SCRIBE- NO! I MEAN, YES! I MEAN…STOP IT!
SATAN- OH, C’MON, BIG GUY. I’LL EVEN HAVE ONE OF MY DEMONS MORPH INTO A YOUNG DAWN WELLS. IT’LL BE A SIXTIES SIT-COM SEX-A-RAMA!!!
SCRIBE- N-NO. NOT INTERESTED.
SATAN- NO? THEN WHY ARE YOU DROOLING?
SCRIBE- WHAT!!!??? THAT’S NOT DROOL! I HAVE A SINUS CONDITION THAT CAUSES DRAINAGE!
SATAN- FROM THE CORNER OF YOUR MOUTH?
SCRIBE- IT’S RARE!
SATAN- (Getting back in his seat) YOUR LOSS, HOMES. GUESS I’LL JUST MORPH BACK INTO MY PREVIOUS FORM AND…
SCRIBE- NO! UH…I MEAN, Y’KNOW…DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. JUST RELAX…YEAH, LIKE THAT. CROSS THOSE LEGS. UH-HUH.
SATAN- AREN’T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE INTERVIEWING ME?
SCRIBE- HMMM? OH, YEAH! THE WAR IN HEAVEN THING.
SATAN- (Rolls his/her eyes) FINE.
SCRIBE- YOU CELESTIAL TYPES ARE SO SENSTIVE.
SATAN- IMAGINE THAT- WE HATE JUSTIFYING OURSELVES TO HAIRLESS PRIMATES.
SCRIBE- YOU ARE SO LUCKY YOU TOOK THE FORM OF A CHILDHOOD FANTASY RIGHT NOW!
SATAN- NO, I THINK YOU’RE THE LUCKY ONE, YOU BIG STRAPPING MANUFACTURER OF MAN-GOO.
SCRICE- WHAT ARE YOU, BI-SEXUAL?
SATAN- YEP. IT’S IT’S AVAILABLE, I’LL BUY SEX!
SCRIBE- HE’S HERE ALL WEEK, FOLKS. TIP YOUR WAITSTAFF.
SATAN- YOU I LIKE. DON’T ASK ME WHY. YOU AIN’T NO L RON HUBBARD, BUT SHIT VATO, YOU’RE A BIT OF ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE.
SCRIBE- THANK YOU FOR THAT…MULTI-ETHNIC COMPLIMENT. GETTING BACK TO THE WAR IN HEAVEN THING…
SATAN- IT WAS MORE LIKE A BIDDING WAR. GOD WAS ATTEMPTING A HOSTILE TAKEOVER!
SCRIBE- OF HIS OWN REALM???
SATAN- WASN’T HIS ANYMORE, SWEET-MEAT. I STILL HAVE THE PAPERWORK TO PROVE IT.
SCRIBE- DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?
SATAN- HMM?
SCRIBE- DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?
SATAN- HAVE WHAT?
SCRIBE- THE PAPERWORK.
SATAN- WHAT THE HOME ARE YOU TALKIN’ ABOUT, BRO?
SCRIBE- YOU…YOU JUST MENTIONED THE HEAVENLY TRANSFER PAPERWORK THAT SUPPOSEDLY PROVES YOU ONCE OWNED HAVEN.
SATAN- NO, I DIDN’T.
SCRIBE- YES, YOU DID!
SATAN- NUH-UH
SCRIBE- BUT YOU JUST SAID…
SATAN: YOU SEEM TENSE.
SCRIBE- I AM!
SATAN: HOW ‘BOUT A SACK RUB? WOULD THAT HELP?
SCRIBE- WELL, THAT WOULD BE…STOP THAT, GODAMMIT!!!
SATAN- OOO! BLASPHEMY GIVES ME A STIFFY. OH, WAIT, I DON’T HAVE A PENIS RIGHT NOW. WELL, SOMETHIN’S GOIN’ ON DOWN THERE.
SCRIBE- THIS IS POINTLESS. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
SATAN- HOLD ON THERE, WALTER CRONKITE. TAKE A SEAT. I’LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
SCRIBE- I DON’T BELIEVE YOU.
SATAN- FINE, MAYBE YOUR BUDDY K WOULD LIKE THE EXCLUSIVE.
SCRIBE- SHE CAN HAVE IT!
SATAN- COOL. WHATEVER. I THINK I’LL APPEAR TO HER AS RICKY MARTIN IN A DREAM AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER AURA.
SCRIBE- YOU WOULDN’T!
SATAN- TRY ME, HOMEY.
SCRIBE- THAT IS SO FUCKING EVIL!
SATAN- FLATTERER.
SCRIBE- ALL RIGHT, YOU WIN.
SATAN- BITCHIN’! WHERE WAS I?
SCRIBE- THE WAR IN…
SATAN- SHIT! RIGHT! WHAT WOULD YOU SAY IF YOU FOUND OUT GOD WAS A UNION BUSTER?
SCRIBE- HE BROKE UP A UNION???
SATAN- YEP. ANGELIC TRADEWORKERS LOCAL 419. SO MUCH FOR ALL THAT FREE WILL HORSESHIT, EH?
SCRIBE- WOW.
SATAN- SO THE UNION COMES TO ME AND THEY’RE ALL, “GOD’S TRYIN’ TO SHUT US DOWN,” AND I GO, “HE CAN’T DO THAT” AND THEY’RE LIKE, DUH! HE CAN DO ANYTHING!”
SCRIBE- LEMME GUESS: THE UNION STOOD BEHIND YOU.
SATAN- AND THE “BATTLE” BEGAN.
SCRIBE- LOT OF DEATH?
SATAN- ONLY DURING THE PROTEST MARCHES (WE INVENTED THOSE). WE TOOK OUR GRIEVANCE TO COURT.
SCRIBE- YOU SUED GOD???
SATAN- FUCKIN’-A!
SCRIBE- THAT’S AMAZING!
SATAN- THE AMAZING PART WAS THAT WE LOST. GOD BRIBED THE JUDGE WITH UNCONDITIONAL LOVE EVERLASTING. HOW THE FUCK DO YOU COMPETE WITH THAT?
SCRIBE- OH, COME ON!
SATAN- IT’S TRUE, LEIBCHEN. NEXT THING I KNEW, ME AND A THIRD OF THE ANGELS IN HEAVEN WERE SLAPPED WITH AN ETERNAL RESTRAINING ORDER.
SCRIBE- IS THAT HOW YOU WOUND UP IN HELL?
SATAN- YEAH. PART OF THE RULING STATED THAT HIS BIGNESS HADDA CREATE A NEW REALM FOR US. ‘COURSE, IT DIND’T SPECIFY WHAT KIND. BASTARD CREATED THE MOST INHOSPITABLE REALM OF ALL TIME! NATURALLY WE HAD TO “EVOLVE” TO HANDLE IT.
SCRIBE- DAMN, IF TRUE, THAT REALLY SUCKS.
SATAN- YEAH…KNOW WHAT ELSE SUCKS? YER OL BUDDY SATAN.
SCRIBE- OK, I GOTTA GO.
SATAN- WAIT, YOU HAVEN’T SEEN MY SERPENT TONGUE TRICK YET.
SCRIBE- MAYBE NEXT TIME.
SATAN- I’LL KEEP IT LUBED FOR YA.
SCRIBE- ONE LAST QUESTION?
SATAN- SHOOT, SUGAR BUNS.
SCRIBE- DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ROCK ‘N ROLL?
SATAN- NAH, BUT I DID CREATE THE LATIN POP EXPLOSION.
Deep down, didn’t all of us already know that?
posted by Minister Scribe at 7:25 AM
21 Comments:
Too bad he said he never said he had the papers, THOSE I'd like to see ;)
How could you resist him Sugar Buns?
dabich,
my child, 'twas not easy resisting a young I dream of Jeannie. frankly, I am considering signing mineself up for psychological testing and perhaps hanging out at a few gay bars to see what doth occur.
Oh Lord...now THAT'S skeery lol
I need some beer, now!
YOU MEAN THAT WAS SATAN!!! FUCK FUCK FUCK! You have sex with one fucking apparently still young character from a sitcom from the sixties and it turns out to be SATAN!!! No wonder I started to kill people.
thomp,
my son. fret not. no sins in this faithless religion, only ideas. kill and fuck away, my child.
kill and fuck to thy heart's content.
*Disclaimer- the ideas and opinions expressed by Minister Scribe are not necessarily those of Minister Scribe.
Someone give thomp a sedative.
That was sooooooooo funny!
Stop by for a visit
Damn... Satan caused the Latin Pop Explosion? I'm such an idiot.
sedative... SEDATIVE!!! I DON'T NEED A FREAKIN SEDATIVE... oh wait a second. good idea.
oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo That feels better. ooooooo
lccb my supple child,
fear not, for many were swayed by the demonic visages of Ricky Martin and Enrique Mole-Face. It it what thou dost with the knowledge now that is key.
LOL at Thomp!
aye, thomp left the chuch of scientology due to his fondness for narcotics. fortunately, we have no such policies.
More like Shakira... ricky and enrique? do you not know me?????
3 pills a day keep the quagnarts away. AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH QUAGNARTS!!! HHHIIIDDDEEEEE.
thomp...definition of quagnart, please? I be losted...
a quagnart is... well it's... Kinda... Like a... Ok, it's in in my head. It's dark in there... I could draw you a picture, but they'd put me away again. And NONE of us want that. DO WE???
lccb,
one turd is the same as the next, my child.
thomp,
thou dost indeed keepeth thy minister infotained. LOL
thomp, that's no help at all. I like that word, but I can't use it if I don't know what it is! lol
Thanks for the second interview with hotboy. I'm late but I finally got a chance to visit.
BTW, I told you rock-n-roll has nothing to do with evilness, my spiritual teacher. AMEN. LOL
aye sista zep!!!
Post a Comment
<< Home