AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH SATAN part one

Getting an interview with the Devil is no E-Z task costing a mere $19.95. The only other time I’ve experienced so much red tape was the time I tried to find the person in charge of the little officious wick-prick who that left a note telling me my dog had wandered off my property because she was in my own front yard.

But when he heard that I’d already interviewed His Bigness, a.k.a. God, the Devil demanded his due. Apparently there’s some sort of celestial equal time act.

Satan met me in a sleazy motel that caters to the lowest form of human life: Traveling salesmen. Most times when interviewing a foreign dignitary or self-important celebrity, one expects a certain amount of security precautions to be taken. Unfortunately, that usually entails allowing yourself to be searched.

It’s quite a different experience when a filthy lice-ridden demon crawls in through your mouth and searches all the way to your anus. But, at least I have a date Saturday night!

Satan is an interesting study in contradictions. He claims he loathes the spotlight, yet insisted that I take pictures. He claims he doesn’t like to talk about private issues, yet he went on and on about his painful rectal itch. He claims to hate people, yet he went on and on about what a terrific singing voice Saddam Hussein has.

Still, I promised zepplinlady that I would get this interview and so did I persevere.

Oddly enough, each photograph of Satan is completely different due to his chameleon-like nature and fondness for fucking with our heads.

When I first entered, he looked like this:








Next time I went to snap his pic, he looked like this:



>Shudder<



















He finally settled on this:


I could have dealt with this one-it's better than the second one-but he kept crossing his legs in front of me like Sharon Stone!!!

Anyway, here's the interview (part one):


SCRIBE: I APPRECIATE YOU TAKING THE TIME TO TALK TO ME.

SATAN: OF COURSE YOU DO. I’M THE SHIT.

SCRIBE: AND HUMBLE. CORRECT ME IF I’M WRONG, BUT THIS IS THE FIRST INTERVIEW YOU’VE GRANTED A HUMAN BEING SINCE FAUST, ISN’T IT?

SATAN:YEAH…THAT FUCKER…

SCRIBE: NOT A FAN?

SATAN: I DON’T LIKE WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TRICK ME. THAT’S MY JOB, JESUS-DAMMIT!!!

SCRI BE: “JESUS” DAMMIT?

SATAN: YEAH. THAT’S THIS NEW THING I’M WORKIN’ ON.

SCRIBE: STILL AN INNOVATOR, HUH?

SATAN: OH, HOME YEAH!!! THERE’S A SHITLOAD OF MARKET RESEARCH THAT GOES ALONG WITH THIS JOB!

SCRIBE: SO WHAT ELSE IS ON OLD HORNY’S TO-DO LIST?

SATAN: WELL, WITH THE HARRY POTTER FRANCHISE WINDING DOWN SOON, I’VE GOT MY DEMON HORDES LOOKING INTO INSPIRING SOME NEW PRETENTIOUS HACK TO DEVELOP A SERIES OF FANTASY STORIES BASED ON BEASTIALITY.

SCRIBE: I SEE.

SATAN: DON’T GIMME THAT LOOK! WHO WOULD’VE EVER THOUGH REALITY TV WOULD BECOME SO HUGE, BUT IT DID!

SCRIBE: THAT WAS YOU???

SATAN: NO, IT WAS HITLER! OF COURSE IT WAS ME!

SCRIBE: MY GOD.

SATAN: YEAH, WELL YOU CAN HAVE ‘IM.

SCRIBE: LET’S TALK ABOUT THAT FOR MINUTE.

SATAN: (rolling his yellow, serpentine eyes) IT ALWAYS COMES DOWN TO THIS.

SCRIBE: DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

SATAN: NOW WHY WOULD IT BOTHER ANYONE TO CONSTANTLY BE COMPARED TO HIS INFERIOR? Y’KNOW, I’M PROBABLY THE ONLY ONE IN THE UNIVERSE WHO CAN SYMPATHIZE WITH HOW COREY FELDMAN FELT WHEN EVERYBODY KEPT ASKIGN HIM ABOUT COREY HAIM!

SCRIBE: YOU SOUND UNCOMFORTABLY KNOWLEDGEABLE ABOUT THE “COREY’S.”

SATAN: WHAT CAN I SAY? I’M A FAN.

SCRIBE: YOU FRIGHTEN ME.

SATAN: THANKS.

SCRIBE: OBVIOUSLY YOU AND GOD HAVEN’T MADE UP.

SATAN: MADE UP WHAT?

SCRIBE: WITH EACH OTHER.

SATAN: ‘FUCK WOULD WE NEED TO DO THAT FOR?

SCRIBE: UM…YOU KNOW…THE WHOLE “WAR IN HEAVEN” THING.

SATAN: THERE WAS NEVER A WAR IN HEAVEN.

SCRIBE: BUT ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE…

SATAN: DON’T GO BY THAT FUCKIN’ SUPERMARKET PAPERBACK! SHIT, THERE’S JUST AS MUCH TRUTH IN FUCKING “DIANETICS!” (chuckles) OH, MAN THAT L. RON HUBBARD!!! HE IS MAH DAWG!!!

SCRIBE: GOOD FRIEND?

SATAN: SHIT YEAH!!! BEST CULT LEADER IN HUMAN HISTORY! SO GOOD I REWARDED HIM WITH HIS OWN PLANET WHEN HE DIED! LAST TIME WE SPOKE, HE WAS DESIGNING A RELIGION BASED ON THE BELIEF THAT INDIGESTION GAVE BIRTH TO THE UNIVERSE! (Slaps his evil knee) FUCKER’S ALWAYS THINKIN’!

SCRIBE: SO HELL RECEIVES ALL THE CREATIVE PEOPLE?

SATAN: WELL, WE DEFINITELY HAVE THE ADVANTAGE THERE. LIKE BART SIMPSON SAID, “ALL THE BEST BANDS ARE AFFILIATED WITH SATAN.”

SCRIBE: LET’S GET BACK TO THE SUPPOSED “WAR IN HEAVEN.”

SATAN: ALL BULLSHIT. NOT A WORD OF TRUTH.

SCRIBE: WHERE DID THE STORY COME FROM, THEN?

SATAN: THOSE ASSHOLE EDITORS AT HOLY HOUSE! I’M SURPRISED GOD NEVER MENTIONED THEM.

SCRIBE: HE DID.

SATAN: THEN WHAT THE FUCK, HOMES??? GET WITH THE PROGRAM, VATO!!!

SCRIBE: WHY DID YOU SOUND MEXICAN JUST NOW???

SATAN: HUH???

SCRIBE: JUST NOW YOU WENT INTO AN EAST L.A. MEXICANO GANGSTER ACCENT.

SATAN: REALLY? I MEAN…NO SHIT?

SCRIBE: YES!

SATAN: LOOK, DO YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED OR NOT?

SCRIBE: OF COURSE.

SATAN: FINE. IT ALL STARTED WHEN GOD DECIDED TO FRANCHISE OUT HEAVEN.

SCRIBE: PARDON ME?

SATAN: YOU GOT CUM IN YOU EARS, BOY? WANT ME TO USE SIGN LANGUAGE!?

SCRIBE: WHY WOULD GOD DO THAT?

SATAN: WANTED TO GET INTO WORLD-BUILDING FULL-TIME. THAT’S WHERE THE MOOLAH WAS BACK THEN.

SCRIBE: I…GUESS…I CAN SEE THAT. BYT WHY YOU?

SATAN: I WAS THE ONE WITH THE BEAUTIFUL SINGING VOICE AND ROCK HARD ABS, SO IT MADE SENSE THAT IT’D GO TO ME.

SCRIBE: LET ME GUESS. YOU FAILED.

SATAN: FUCK YOU, I FAILED! I WAS A SUCCESS! THERE WAS A CHICKEN IN EVERY POT AND ALL THE TRAINS RAN ON TIME!

SCRIBE: WHY ARE THERE TRAINS IN HEAVEN?

SATAN: HOW ELSE COULD WE SHIP OUT ALL THOSE SOULS, WITH A FUCKIN’ UNICYCLE???

SCRIBE: WOW.

SATAN: FUCKIN’-A, “WOW!” HEAVEN WAS NEVER MORE EFFICIENT. I EVEN REDUCED OVERTIME BY 30&; ‘COURSE THAT CAUSED THE SPIRIT UNION TO START THEIR SHIT. BUT I HAD IT ALL UNDER CONTROL. THEN GOD COMES BACK AND HE’S ALL, “WORLD-BUILDING IS TOO MUCH WORK” AND “THE MARKET’S FLOODED,” BLAH BLAH BITCH BITCH BLAH!!!

SCRIBE: THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

SATAN: HE SAID HE WANTED HEAVEN BACK. I SAYS, “NOPE. GO OFF TO ROAM, LOSE YOUR HOLY THRONE.” HE DIDN’T LIKE THAT. SHIT TURNED REALLY UGLY.


Part II to come.