A Sermon from the Book of Bundy, Patron Saint of Bad Relationships
Will the congregation please rise?
Hey!!! Hey you!!! You in the wheelchair! Don’t give me any shit like last time-GET UP!!!
That’s right, use those over-developed arm muscles, balance on those wobbly legs! And don’t move until thou hast been given permission to sit! I don’t wanna hear anymore out of you-ya got that, Gramma?
Minister Scribe ‘bout to start regulatin’ up in dis bitch!
ALL HAIL!!!
Please turn to page 18 in the Book of Bundy and recite with me the humble request for the Saint to descend from the Mighty Ferguson throne and intercede upon our behalf in this cold and cruel world; a world filled as it is with cruel and uncaring people.
No, Gramma, you cannot sit down and open the book! You’ve got two hands-use one for balancing!!!
Brothers and sisters, repeat after me:
Please be seated…
NO, GRAMMA! I said SIT DOWN, not LIE DOWN!!! Would you please get up? Oh, GEEZ!!! Grammy, you’re ruining my Big Day, you’re just ruining it!!!
Somebody please help her up.
Thanks, brothers and sisters. Sorry she’s such a pain in the spirit-ass. No, don’t make excuses for her behavior! She knows better than to go fallin’ down on my time!!!
Brothers and sisters, canst thou feel the presence of Saint Bundy among thee? Doth not the blessed stench of his unwashed feet fill thy nostrils with its holy and overpowering essence?
Could, uh…could somebody open a window? Yeah, that one’s good, thanks.
The Bundy doth speaketh to me. He tells me that he is most displeased with his flock. He wants to know why men have turned their backs upon the lessons taught them by the Church of NOMAAM.
He also wants to know why women aren’t showing their sacred hooters. He says he was very specific about that and that he doesn’t dismount from the Mighty Ferguson, Stradivarius of Bowls, for wimpy guys and covered hooters!
Saint Bundy said unto me that he is getting angrier by the second.
But, Saint Bundy, looketh over here! Are you not pleased with how we prepared thy holy recliner and DVD of Hondo, thy favorite movie against which all lives are meaningless?
Yesssss, that’s right, O Great One. Comfy? Good.
Somebody get Saint Bundy a beer, huh? Gramma, move yer lazy ass!
OK, brothers and sisters, just relax. The wrath of Bundy, though great, is easily diminished by creature comforts. Aye, he hath placed his mighty hand in his celestial pants. The Bundy is pleased.
Whilst he doth enjoy Hondo, the Church of Scribe shall maketh a few announcements.
Now that Saint Bundy is pointing at yon TV and pointing like a trained seal, let us bow our heads and meditate on the Great Beast that did battle the Bundy for possession of the red-headed dragon. ‘Twas during the Years of Steve the Apostle that Saint Bundy did reveal this tale.
Let all those men with bitches for mothers-in-law and those who have yet to descendeth into this abyss (girls, too) take heed of the noble Bundy’s teachings, lest ye too wind up clinging to the Legend of 4 Touchdowns in a single high school football game.
May Peace and Discord Be with you all~
For more on the Saints of Scribeism, please click the link below:
http://scribecn.blogspot.com/2006/01/hark-my-brothers-and-sisters-for-time.html
Hey!!! Hey you!!! You in the wheelchair! Don’t give me any shit like last time-GET UP!!!
That’s right, use those over-developed arm muscles, balance on those wobbly legs! And don’t move until thou hast been given permission to sit! I don’t wanna hear anymore out of you-ya got that, Gramma?
Minister Scribe ‘bout to start regulatin’ up in dis bitch!
ALL HAIL!!!
Please turn to page 18 in the Book of Bundy and recite with me the humble request for the Saint to descend from the Mighty Ferguson throne and intercede upon our behalf in this cold and cruel world; a world filled as it is with cruel and uncaring people.
No, Gramma, you cannot sit down and open the book! You’ve got two hands-use one for balancing!!!
Brothers and sisters, repeat after me:
O Mighty One in the Heavens
Who created the stars, the mountains and Beer.
And you who created the Bundy’s wife and kids and mine girlfriend,
We implore thee to cease thy petty eternal pissing contest.
We implore thee to step aside as the Bundy doth flusheth the Mighty Ferguson.
May he intercede on our behalf and serve as a warning to those contemplating bad relationships.
Please be seated…
NO, GRAMMA! I said SIT DOWN, not LIE DOWN!!! Would you please get up? Oh, GEEZ!!! Grammy, you’re ruining my Big Day, you’re just ruining it!!!
Somebody please help her up.
Thanks, brothers and sisters. Sorry she’s such a pain in the spirit-ass. No, don’t make excuses for her behavior! She knows better than to go fallin’ down on my time!!!
Brothers and sisters, canst thou feel the presence of Saint Bundy among thee? Doth not the blessed stench of his unwashed feet fill thy nostrils with its holy and overpowering essence?
Could, uh…could somebody open a window? Yeah, that one’s good, thanks.
The Bundy doth speaketh to me. He tells me that he is most displeased with his flock. He wants to know why men have turned their backs upon the lessons taught them by the Church of NOMAAM.
He also wants to know why women aren’t showing their sacred hooters. He says he was very specific about that and that he doesn’t dismount from the Mighty Ferguson, Stradivarius of Bowls, for wimpy guys and covered hooters!
Saint Bundy said unto me that he is getting angrier by the second.
But, Saint Bundy, looketh over here! Are you not pleased with how we prepared thy holy recliner and DVD of Hondo, thy favorite movie against which all lives are meaningless?
Yesssss, that’s right, O Great One. Comfy? Good.
Somebody get Saint Bundy a beer, huh? Gramma, move yer lazy ass!
OK, brothers and sisters, just relax. The wrath of Bundy, though great, is easily diminished by creature comforts. Aye, he hath placed his mighty hand in his celestial pants. The Bundy is pleased.
Whilst he doth enjoy Hondo, the Church of Scribe shall maketh a few announcements.
1. For the next 8 weeks, the Church of Scribe shall unveil one new patron or matron saint per week to go along with the original seven.
2. The paperwork to certify, Minister Scribe as an honest-to-badness reverend has been processed and should be going through anytime now (no joke).
3. That interview with Satan requested by Sister Zeppelin shall be posted very soon.
Now that Saint Bundy is pointing at yon TV and pointing like a trained seal, let us bow our heads and meditate on the Great Beast that did battle the Bundy for possession of the red-headed dragon. ‘Twas during the Years of Steve the Apostle that Saint Bundy did reveal this tale.
“We both wanted Peg,” he said, “Which proves that love is not
only blind, it’s stupid. One day we finally had it out in the schoolyard. It was
long and BRUTAL. I can’t say that I won, and I can’t say that I lost. But when
it was over, I had stood up to the biggest, toughest man I’d ever seen.
Steve…that man was Peg’s mother.”
Let all those men with bitches for mothers-in-law and those who have yet to descendeth into this abyss (girls, too) take heed of the noble Bundy’s teachings, lest ye too wind up clinging to the Legend of 4 Touchdowns in a single high school football game.
May Peace and Discord Be with you all~
For more on the Saints of Scribeism, please click the link below:
http://scribecn.blogspot.com/2006/01/hark-my-brothers-and-sisters-for-time.html
posted by Minister Scribe at 1:55 PM
6 Comments:
Is Peg one of the saints too?
God no!!! She's the red-headed dragon mentioned in the sermon.
LMAO! Figures.
Indeed it does.
Thanks for remembering my question, minister. BTW, I'm well aware of the spelling but it is zepplin, not zeppelin. There's a reason for it...
PREACH ON!
zePPLIN, thy intentional mispelling is of no concern to an elevated being such as I. But for thy insolence, remove thy top of jiggle until told to stop.
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