AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH GOD , Part II

Following God's Jesus bombshell, I was understandably thrown a bit. It took a couple cups of Sacrament Brand Coffee before I stopped having the jitters and was able to continue:



SCRIBE: YOU DO REALIZE THAT WHAT YOU JUST TOLD ME COULD ALTER THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS FOREVER, DON’T YOU?

GOD: EH, IT’S NOT SUCH A BIG DEAL.

SCRIBE: ARE YOU JOKING?

GOD: MAYBE A LITTLE.

SCRIBE: WELL, IT’S NOT FUNNY.

GOD: NOT EVEN KINDA?

SCRIBE: WELL…YEAH. BUT IT WON’T BE TO ALL THOSE DEVOUT CHRISTIANS OUT THERE.

GOD: (Laughs) ALL THOSE WHAT?

SCRIBE: UM…THOSE…DEVOUT…

GOD: “DEVOUT,” HUH? YEAH, THEY’VE REALLY MADE US PROUD. TRUTHFULLY, MY FRIEND, THERE ARE ONLY ABOUT FIVE GENUINE CHRISTIANS IN THE WORLD AND THEY’RE NOT THE MOST INTERESTING PEOPLE TO KNOW.

SCRIBE: WHO ARE?

GOD: PAGANS. I LOVE THOSE GUYS! THEY’RE SO COOL!

SCRIBE: LET’S GET BACK TO THE JESUS THING.

GOD: IF WE MUST.

SCRIBE: I THINK IT’S IMPORTANT.

GOD: (Rolls His mighty eyes) FINE.

SCRIBE: YOU SAID THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION DIDN’T HAPPEN THE WAY PEOPLE THINK.

GOD: RIGHT.

SCRIBE: YOU’RE AWFULLY CAVLIER ABOUT THIS.

GOD: HEY, I NEVER WROTE THAT! IT WAS MY SO-CALLED “EDITORS.” EVER NOTICED THERE ISN’T A SINGLE LINE OF DIALOGUE FROM ME IN THE SO-CALLED NEW TESTAMENT REGARDING JESUS?

SCRIBE: WELL, NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT…

GOD: CONVENIENT, HUH? I GO FROM KIND AND BENEVOLENT TO PETTY AND VINDICTIVE TO SIGNIFICANTLY ABSENT!

SCRIBE: IT’S PRETTY CONFUSING.

GOD: THAT’S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET ALL THOSE “BOOK DOCTORS” WITH ALL THEIR IDEAS.

SCRIBE: “GOOD RE-TOOLED,” HUH?

GOD: THAT’S IT EXACTLY! PINHEADS…

SCRIBE: SO WHAT HAPPENED WITH JESUS?

GOD: (Sighs heavily) REMEMBER THAT HIGHLY EVOLVED ALIEN I MENTIONED THAT WENT AROUND CONVINCING HUMANS IT WAS ME?

SCRIBE: HOW COULD I FORGET? WAIT…ARE YOU SAYING…

GOD: WELL, FROM TIME TO TIME I CREATE FOR MYSELF A PHYSICAL BODY LIKE WHAT YOU SEE NOW SO I DON’T LOSE TOUCH WITH THE REALITY I OVERSEE. PLUS LET’S FACE IT; FOOD TASTES BETTER WHEN IT’S GOT SOMEWHERE TO GO. AND I LOVES ME SOME FRIED CATFISH! MMMM-MMMMMMMMM!!!

SCRIBE: I THOUGHT GOD DOESN’T INDULGE IN “FLESHLY PLEASURES.”

GOD: I DON’T!!! AND STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!

SCRIBE: SORRY, I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW…

GOD: LET ME EXPLAIN. THE ALIEN, WHOSE NAME WOULD BE UNPRONOUNCABLE FOR YOU, ASKED TO MEET ME AT THE EDEN RUINS SO WE COULD DISCUSS OUR DIFFERENCES AND WORK OUT A COMPROMISE. I SHOULD’VE BEEN INSULTED, BUT I AM A COMPASSIONATE CAT, AS YOU KNOW.

SCRIBE: SO YOU MET WITH HIM? IT?

GOD: INDEED. THE ARROGANT TWERP WITH ITS FANCY EGYPTIAN STYLE HEADRESS AND SILKY SCARLET ROBES, STRUTTIN’ AROUND LIKE IT OWNED THE PLACE. I TELL YA, SCRIBE, IF ANYBODY DESERVED A GOOD SMITING…

SCRIBE: WHAT WAS THE RESULT OF YOUR MEETING?

GOD: NOTHING POSITIVE, HOSS. NOTHING POSITIVE.

SCRIBE: FOR EXAMPLE?

GOD: LET’S JUST SAY I DON’T TAKE KINDLY TO BEING THREATENED.

SCRIBE: WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD THREATEN GOD???

GOD: THAT’S ONE QUESTION I HAVE NO ANSWER FOR.

SCRIBE: WHAT WAS THE THREAT?

GOD: IT SAID THAT IF I DIDN’T BACK OFF, IT WOULD GO OFF AND START CREATING CRAZY RELIGIONS AND DRIVE HUMANS AS FAR AWAY FROM ME AS POSSIBLE. I DECIDED TO CALL ITS BLUFF. SURELY HUMANS WEREN’T STUPID ENOUGH TO FALL FOR THIS CON ARTIST…WHAT’S SO FUNNY? YOU LAUGHIN’ AT ME, BOY?
SCRIBE: SORRY, BUT WHO’D EXPECT GOD TO UNDERSTIMATE THE STUPIDITY OF THE HUMAN RACE? OH, WAIT…THE EDEN THING.

GOD: YEAH, WELL OPTIMISM IS IN THE JOB DESCRIPTION. ANYWAY, TIME PASSED ON EARTH WITHOUT INCIDENT AND I WRONGLY ASSUMED THE ALIEN JUST KINDA GAVE UP AND WENT AWAY. BUT IT WAS JUST BIDING ITS TIME IN ITS LABORATORY. SOMEHOW IT’D GOT A HOLD OF SOME OF MY GNA.

SCRIBE: I’M SORRY, “GNA?”

GOD: I’M NOT A HUMAN BEING, KID. DNA IS FOR MORTALS. IF I MAY CONTINUE…

SCRIBE: PLEASE!

GOD: THE ALIEN HAD A PLAN TO IMPLANT A HUMAN FEMALE WITH A FETUS DEVELOPED USING MY GNA. ALMOST WORKED, TOO, IF NOT FOR ONE OF ITS FOLLOWERS RATTIN’ IT OUT FOR SOME PRIME PARADISE REAL ESTATE.

SCRIBE: GOOD GOD!

GOD: YES?

SCRIBE: HUH? OH, NO, I WAS JUST…

GOD: I GET THAT A LOT. SO LUCKILY I HANDLED THE SITUATION AND DID A LIL’ DAMAGE CONTROL. OF COURSE THAT DARN ALIEN COMPLETELY SCREWED OVER MY DIVINE, ULTIMATE PLAN, BUT WHATEVER.

SCRIBE: HOW SO?

GOD: I NEVER WANTED KIDS, Y’KNOW, LIKE I SAID, I’M NOT LIKE THAT OLD HORN-DOG ZEUS. I LIKE THE SINGLE LIFE. BESIDES, THE MESSIAH WAS SUPPOSED TO BE WARRIOR, NOT A PEACENIK.

SCRIBE: WHY NOT MAKE JESUS A WARRIOR?

GOD: POOR KID DIDN’T HAVE THE STOMACH FOR IT. A TRUE LOVING OPTIMIST, THAT ONE IS. AND QUITE A PERSUASIVE DEBATOR. HE ACTUALLY CONVINCED ME TO SPARE THE HUMAN RACE FOR A COUPLE MORE MILLENIA!

SCRIBE: THAT’S IMPRESSIVE AND MIGHTY WHITE OF YOU.

GOD: YEAH, WHATEVER. LIKE I NEED YOUR APPROVAL.

SCRIBE: SO HOW DID IT ALL TURN OUT?

GOD: YOU’VE GOT EYES, CHILD! ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! MY CONVENANT WITH THE JEWS WAS BROKEN, THEY WERE ALL TICKED OFF, AND THE VERY NATURE OF HUMAN DESTINY WAS FOREVER ALTERED! NOW THEY ALL THINK THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE GLORIFED AND “SAVED.” FROM WHAT, I DON’T KNOW!

SCRIBE: WHAT WAS THE ORIGINAL HUMAN DESTINY?

GOD: I WANTED TO OPEN UP A DELI FRANCHISE ALL OVER THE UNIVERSE AND NEEDED AN AGGRESSIVE SPECIES TO MANAGE THEM.

SCRIBE: GOOD GOD!

GOD: THANKS.

SCRIBE: NO, I MEANT…

GOD: WELL, I CAN SAY “BUH-BYE” TO ALL THAT NOW. INSTEAD I GET TO DEAL WITH ALL THESE RELIGIOUS HYPOCRITES WHO THINK ATTENDING CHURCH WILL SAVE THEM FROM LUCIFER-AS IF HE WANTS THEM!

SCRIBE: SATAN IS REAL???

GOD” YEAH, A REAL PAIN IN THE TOOKUS!

SCRIBE: (laughs) THIS IS ALL SO INCREDIBLE.

GOD: LOOK, I HATE TO CUT THIS SHORT…

SCRIBE: I UNDERSTAND, BUT ONE MORE QUESTION?

GOD: DAZZLE ME.

SCRIBE: WHAT ABOUT THE ALIEN?

GOD: WHERE DO YOU THINK ISLAM, MORMONISM AND THE MOONIES CAME FROM?

SCRIBE: WOW! TALK ABOUT PAYBACK!

GOD: LISTEN, I REALLY GOTTA…

SCRIBE: I KNOW, I KNOW. THANKS SO MUCH FOR THE OPPORTUNITY. BEFORE I GO, ANY ADVICE FOR THE HUMAN RACE?

GOD: STAY BLACK, YA’LL!