More Revelations from the Lake Eerie Scrolls:

Never let it be said that thy minister ithn’t working his holy ass off for his flock! It may be true, but NEVER let it be said!!!

For the past week have I been toiling diligently with Professor Mike Rotch of the University of Last Chance Correspondence Education to de-code the until recently unknown Scrolls discovered buried beneath Michigan’s Lake Eerie.

‘Twas through our hard work that we were able to translate much of it from its original ESPERANTU and bringeth it before thy ungrateful and wretched asses.

Aye, many late-night nudey bar conversations did take place between we two most learned men as we devised simultaneously the best way to reveal unto thee the overwhelming truth, and a way to obtain a lap-dance with no cash left.

Children, which dost thou thinketh was the easier of the two tasks?

Exactly, thus we suddenly found ourselves with an abundance of time to devote to our work on the Scrolls!!! (Fuckin’ stuck-up gyrating whores! They all smelled like cabbage anyway…stupid tramps. See if they inherit the Kingdom of Scribe. Well, they can but it’ll be more expensive for them!!!)

Mike Rotch and I did enjoy much stimulation! In fact, thy minister must admit that I doth truly receive pleasure from Mike Rotch!

Mike Rotch maketh me happy and satisfied.

But enough about Mike Rotch, except this one final word of advice for those interested in gazing upon Mike Rotch:

Mike Rotch does NOT like to be stared at unless something fun is going to happen.

There. I’d thought I would put that out there to spare Mike Rotch any undue agony.

Please don’t hurt Mike Rotch.

Where were we? Aye, of course!!! The Scrolls!!! My apologies, but I do often get distracted when thinking about Mike Rotch.

As mine loyal adherents to the faithless yet somehow mysteriously faith-based doctrine-free system of strict religious dogma that teachings nothing of spiritual significance doth know, once already have I posted an excerpt from a Lake Eerie Scroll Much was learned and even more was left unanswered. The following excerpt may serve to only create even more confusion as its title might suggest:

From the Book of Confusion first revealed unto King Pitstank during the Great Battle of Vaginal Discharge Waged in the Name of the Unclean Hordes of the Vicious Lord Anus following the Summer Solstice yet preceding the Coming of the 50th messiah but who’s counting?


Chapter 2

I .And it did come to pass that within the filth-encrusted home of the Great Wizard Phallus was a most dire and hateful decision made. And revealed unto my master, He Who Spanks It Behind Closed Doors.

II. And lo, it was passed onto me this tale of fright so that the good people of the world would know the truth behind the horrible lies. Ye, but fuck ‘em, says I, for there are no good people in this world. They are all turds floating in a river of bloody shit and one would be foolish to reach into the river and take out a single turd to praise, for it would still be a piece of shit.

III. And I say unto thee that I am not bitter just because that useless cum-bucket of a slut left me for an ox-herder.

IV. Ye, although she did giveth him oral pleasure in the confines of mine own bed, I bear no ill will toward her trampy arse. Nor was I in her vicinity when the mysterious horse-draw carriage accident did occur.

V. Aye, thou must believe me when I say to thee that I was not even thinking about that bitch. For she is little more than a harlot to be stuffed like a goose during the Festival of Snowman Building and discarded like the hounds used by the Hill People to dispose of placenta.

VI. But unto thee I shall also say that this experience hath taught me to despise the human race from which I have sprung and to seek out its destruction by ignoring the warning given unto me by He Who Spanks it Behind Closed Doors.

VII. But know this, thou who hath uncovered this buried book of woe: Everything thou doth believe hath been manufactured by forces beyond thy understanding. It did begin indeed with the forming of religions but it did not end there. Nay, it…

VIII. I will be right back. The authorities hath come to question me about my claims of performing miracles when mine ex was suddenly killed by a horse-drawn carriage that apparently ran her over and back up fifty times.

IV. BRB.


That is the last of it, I am afraid. Perhaps this anonymous author was charged with this crime of which he is so obviously innocent. Sadly, the true revelation may be lost to us forever. But maketh no mistake, loyal ones, for thy Minister is working hard to translate the other texts in the hopes that the answers may still be uncovered.

But first the good professor hath invited me to a game of tennis and you know how much I enjoy playing with…

MIKE ROTCH!!!


HAIL!