Please rise and read along in thy Holy Books as today we meet ‘n greet the Goddess Chocalatyl:
(If thou dost not haveth a Holy Book, a recent copy of TV Guide will do just as well)
Forgive me, my flock, for I have been most remiss in mine duties as thy ministerial overlord and financial advisor. Thy minister was given a sacred and difficult duty and, much like the average American, he simply wasn’t up to it. Thus did he wander aimlessly through the Desert Motel & Day-spa for forty minutes and forty seconds until an evil non-Scribeist did notice he was not a paying guest and summarily expunged him from Paradise!!!
Ye and ‘twas a most enraging experience! Thy Minister almost called his congressman but, as stated in an earlier sermon, had no idea who the purple fuck he or she was. Thus did he wander aimlessly into the night, freezing his giblies and begging his patron & matron saints to provide deliverance or at least some spare change for a cup of coffee. Sadly, mine saints are cheap sum bitches and rarely have steady jobs, and so I did continue to walk into the freezing night air with no end in sight.
I was most humbled by the challenge presented unto me by mine most favored council-member J. For she did reveal unto me that there might be an even more kick-arse deity than our sacred & despised founder, Eris. Naturally, this did throw thy Minister into a mental tailspin as he grappled with the twin demons of Doubt & Randiness.
At this point I would like thee to turn to page 69 in thy Holy books or page 13 in thy TV Guides…hmm? Yeah, the Cheers ‘n Jeers section. No, it’s…right there…yeah, see where it says…No! The next page. OK, you went too far. Go back a couple…there ya go!
Where was I? O, right. Chocalatyl. Mine home girl.
As mentioned previously, thy minister was lifted up by the Screech and showed two manifestations of the Goddess Chocalatyl. But ‘twas not until this very morning that she did come to me and impart words of wisdom and some really dumb shit. Thy minister just wished she had knocked first upon yon bedroom door, as he was still in the midst of enjoying the first two manifestations.
A sublime joy overcame me when she did smile and say unto me, “Don’t let me interrupt.”
And thy Minister did return the smile and say unto her after she said unto him, “I could use a hand.”
And she did lend a hand, and aye there was more lent as well until I did get the munchies and leaveth the boudoir. ‘Twould be deceitful of me to deny that I did grab many liquors with which to drunken her so that she would never leave, but she was already gone when they minister returned with a renewed chubby.
Resting upon mine pillow was a small chocolate bar and an envelope. I did open the envelope and read the note inside. It said:
THANKS FOR THE GOOD TIME, O MINISTER OF THE SEXY-TIME. THOU HAST BREATHED NEW LIFE INTO THIS CHOCOLATE VESSEL. MINE SWEET-STUFF HATH BEEN INVIGORATED. ESPECIALLY BY THAT THING YOU DID WITH YOUR TEETH AND THE CRISCO VEGETABLE OIL WHILE WEARING A NIXON MASK!!! GODS ABOVE AND BELOW! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ONE FROM!?
I COULD GO ON ABOUT THY SEXUAL PROWESS BUT TIME IS SHORT AND I NEED TO GO TO WALMART FOR A HOME PREGNANCY TEST. THUS HAVE I INCLUDED MINE 3 COMMANDMENTS THAT THOU MUST IMPART UNTO THY FLOCK OR NO MORE SUCKY-SUCKY!!!
(If thou dost not haveth a Holy Book, a recent copy of TV Guide will do just as well)
Forgive me, my flock, for I have been most remiss in mine duties as thy ministerial overlord and financial advisor. Thy minister was given a sacred and difficult duty and, much like the average American, he simply wasn’t up to it. Thus did he wander aimlessly through the Desert Motel & Day-spa for forty minutes and forty seconds until an evil non-Scribeist did notice he was not a paying guest and summarily expunged him from Paradise!!!
Ye and ‘twas a most enraging experience! Thy Minister almost called his congressman but, as stated in an earlier sermon, had no idea who the purple fuck he or she was. Thus did he wander aimlessly into the night, freezing his giblies and begging his patron & matron saints to provide deliverance or at least some spare change for a cup of coffee. Sadly, mine saints are cheap sum bitches and rarely have steady jobs, and so I did continue to walk into the freezing night air with no end in sight.
I was most humbled by the challenge presented unto me by mine most favored council-member J. For she did reveal unto me that there might be an even more kick-arse deity than our sacred & despised founder, Eris. Naturally, this did throw thy Minister into a mental tailspin as he grappled with the twin demons of Doubt & Randiness.
At this point I would like thee to turn to page 69 in thy Holy books or page 13 in thy TV Guides…hmm? Yeah, the Cheers ‘n Jeers section. No, it’s…right there…yeah, see where it says…No! The next page. OK, you went too far. Go back a couple…there ya go!
Where was I? O, right. Chocalatyl. Mine home girl.
As mentioned previously, thy minister was lifted up by the Screech and showed two manifestations of the Goddess Chocalatyl. But ‘twas not until this very morning that she did come to me and impart words of wisdom and some really dumb shit. Thy minister just wished she had knocked first upon yon bedroom door, as he was still in the midst of enjoying the first two manifestations.
A sublime joy overcame me when she did smile and say unto me, “Don’t let me interrupt.”
And thy Minister did return the smile and say unto her after she said unto him, “I could use a hand.”
And she did lend a hand, and aye there was more lent as well until I did get the munchies and leaveth the boudoir. ‘Twould be deceitful of me to deny that I did grab many liquors with which to drunken her so that she would never leave, but she was already gone when they minister returned with a renewed chubby.
Resting upon mine pillow was a small chocolate bar and an envelope. I did open the envelope and read the note inside. It said:
THANKS FOR THE GOOD TIME, O MINISTER OF THE SEXY-TIME. THOU HAST BREATHED NEW LIFE INTO THIS CHOCOLATE VESSEL. MINE SWEET-STUFF HATH BEEN INVIGORATED. ESPECIALLY BY THAT THING YOU DID WITH YOUR TEETH AND THE CRISCO VEGETABLE OIL WHILE WEARING A NIXON MASK!!! GODS ABOVE AND BELOW! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ONE FROM!?
I COULD GO ON ABOUT THY SEXUAL PROWESS BUT TIME IS SHORT AND I NEED TO GO TO WALMART FOR A HOME PREGNANCY TEST. THUS HAVE I INCLUDED MINE 3 COMMANDMENTS THAT THOU MUST IMPART UNTO THY FLOCK OR NO MORE SUCKY-SUCKY!!!
And so I do stand before thee with these 3 commandments!!! But first we must all concentrate together to summon the Goddess before us! Let us bow our heads and non-pray:
O Goddess Chocolatyl, thou dost bringeth sweet and edible things into our hearts and minds, some of it clothing. May thy fine-ass self shine down upon as as you mount our eager faces and we swallow thy sweet, sweet confections...
Aye, canst thou feel it, my children!!!??? The Goddess doth cum unto us!!! Concentrate very hard so that she might manifest herself in glowing and radiant beauty!!!
Rise, O Chocalatyl! Stand before us and bathe us in thy sexiness!!!
CHOCALATYLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLlllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll
...
...
OK, who be the chubby chaser???
Ya know what? Fuck it! If thou cannnot manifest the Goddess in her radiant glory, just fuck it!!! Thy Minister is retiring to the bathroom where he shall wipe his ass with these commandments!!!
Bastards. You don't deserve the teachings.
I hope Eris will still return my phone calls...
posted by Minister Scribe at 5:16 PM
10 Comments:
lol!! nice...
Ahhh.. now thou hast angered the Goddess Chocalatyl!
I'm hiding my face and my person for her retribution will be unholy!
I think you have your mojo back, this one had me rolling on the floor laughing my as off (ROFLMA):)-The Prophetess
I do enjoy these challenges from mine council!!! Prophetess!!! Regale us with thy challenge!!! Do itttttttt
Dabich,
'Twas not IIIII that angered the goddess, for she still glows with post-coital bliss from mine thrusting ministrations!!!
ay, your grace, i was really following you until i got the picture...and then, well...i think i just threw up in my mouth a little.
How about a list of things that we must abstain from to be holy and accepted into thine flock?
Can't have a good religious cult without some rules now can we? - The Prophetess.
prophetess,
Has thou not read the words of mine not-so-divine ramblings!!!??? This be a religious of excess and ridiculous extremes! But thy ideas do intrigue and so I shall maketh some shit up just for thee!
You rock son.-The Prophetess
Indeed!!!
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